For those of you who are asking why there has been a sudden change in my hair, you will find a more profound answer in my recent blog. In the past few years, I have dedicated a lot of effort toward improving my relationships. I have been single for six years since April, and before my four-month relationship with Ron, I had been single for three years. I have only dated a handful of men, and I have been quick to dismiss anyone who doesn’t align with who I want to be.

I have had the opportunity to engage in deep and intimate conversations with men that I never thought would be so emotional. After the second encounter, I noticed a pattern that I usually only see with women. This pattern involves a specific type of man who is typically not soft or easily undone. These are the men who are often described as “having their shit together”, appearing strong-willed, non-emotional, successful, and even charming. Perhaps you are familiar with this type? Some of these men are often referred to as “Alpha men” or they view themselves as such.

I attentively listened and held space for these men as they shared deep traumas with me. Rather than offering advice or attempting to solve their problems, I simply listened, connected, and appreciated the beauty of witnessing these seemingly strong individuals feel safe enough to share their shame, pain, and guilt about not feeling “more” or “enough” to their fathers, mothers, or previous partners. I realized men need a safe space and a woman who can bring them peace (or so I thought). I recognized the importance of just being present and enjoying these moments of vulnerability, knowing that nothing would come of them in the aftermath. Please note that being in a safe space does not mean I want to hear all of these men’s problems, especially not in a romantic context. It simply means that I hold space for them without judgment or any expectation.

At that moment, I realized that I had become the peace and safe space necessary for the exchange of intimate emotions. I am not referring to pillow talk after fucking; this is not about sex. I did not (and do not) have that type of relationship with most of these men I am speaking of. I am referring to the deep, raw conversations that many men do not often have with women. These conversations often lead them to question why they are sharing such personal details or emotions with me. Honestly, these are conversations they should have with other men, but I will address that *unpopular opinion later.

Interestingly, these men often remember how vulnerable they were with me and the specific details they shared. Afterward, they begin making excuses, blaming alcohol, claiming to hardly remember, or even attempting to attack my integrity by accusing me of doing something to them (juju/ hypnosis) or outright rejecting and ghosting me. One man had the courage to tell me that it was because he felt I already saw him as fragile and undone. I, however, didn’t feel that way at the time, not while he was sharing. It was only after I tried to reconnect with him on that same emotional level that I realized I had lost respect for him. I no longer felt sexually attracted to him, let alone safe.

I didn’t understand why this kept happening to me. I do know that I am comfortable to speak to and people trust me- “easy going” as some have placed it into words. I made a conscious effort to stop filling the space with unnecessary words and conversations, as I saw it as a tactic for these men to avoid falling back into vulnerability with me.

I’ve learned not to take it personally when they suddenly stop themselves and then want to keep it very superficial. You know the conversations “How’s your day? Have you eaten? Where to next? I’m thinking of you, so I wanted to say hi” (without sharing deeper context those are all superficial conversations to me)

I used to think there was something wrong with me. That men used me just for conversational, emotional dumping, an opinion, advice, and/or then left, never to be heard from again. Now I’m realizing many of the men I’ve shared moments like this have never had real deep penetrating moments of emotional release with anyone else. The kind they shouldn’t have with their mothers, and brothers, not their lovers. That there is an enormous need for men to have a safe space to share their deepest shame, doubts, and fears.

During my most recent trip with Samadhi (a form of DMT), it was revealed why some of these men often ask me to stop staring at them. I genuinely enjoy direct eye contact, and it is not just as if I am looking into their souls, I truly am. However, so many people, both men and women, are not ready for that level of intimacy. I am not only speaking to men here; I am also talking to women.

I’m writing this to share with the women out here attempting to energetically act like men and block what comes to us naturally EMOTIONS. The women who attempt to resolve our men’s problems. We are not meant to be the logical problem solvers or engineers; that is their role! 

We are the emotional nurtures that can provide the comfort to rest their heads on our soft body and seek the feeling of comfort without the need to constantly be in the battlefield within their mind.

Please note I didn’t used to think this way. 

***UNPOPULAR OPINION***

As women, WE are not the ones men are supposed to share these DEEP FEELINGS & moments with. The MEN should have other men who they can have these conversations with.

Stay with me here.

Through my shadow work and therapies, it has become clear that as humans, we cannot share something we have never learned or been aware of. I have observed this in my father and brothers.

How can these men we are turning to for safety and love supposed to share their deepest feelings or logical thoughts when they have never had a father who taught them by example because as fathers, they were or still are seeking to be understood as sons themselves? 🤯🫳🎤

This is the part where I openly apologize to my POPS (that’s what we call our dad) and my two brothers. Sorry if I’ve ever expected something from you that you have never received. Individual uncomfortable conversations loading… 😬

A man cannot create a safe environment in his relationship with us if we, as women, expect him to constantly share his deepest emotional processes with us!

Different words same sentiment: We cannot trust a man to provide us with a safe haven if we are constantly holding space for him to process his emotions!

Let me say it ONE MORE TIME for the WOMEN who don’t seem to understand the first time. We / I can’t trust a man to give us/me a SAFE union to turn to if we’re/ I am constantly holding space for him to process his emotions! 

I cannot be your MAIN source of fucking peace! I don’t want to battle your wars for you! I am here to challenge you, to see you rise!

I am NOT YOUR FUCKING MOTHER!

This lack of awareness in men is what has kept me single for so long, along with my desire to heal these wounds for them. I am not referring to physical wounds; those are undoubtedly my responsibility to heal through soft gazes, deep kisses, and healing hands. The need for men to be coddled and to see me as their mother is one of the reasons, I have continued to attract emotionally unavailable and married men! Most married men I’ve been involved with have all had emotional affairs with me. 🤯🥴🤦🏻‍♀️ Relax I’m not a homewrecker. Thankfully, I had my fatherS “infidelity flaw” as an example, and I knew that I would never be the chosen one. Therefore, it was safe for me to be in these situations. I would never truly have to submit or commit to these relationships (but that’s a whole other blog, I will stop myself here).

I have had to recognize the deep emotional codependency that I learned from my parents’ behavior. A mother often tries to control her child, and I do not want that. It would be exhausting to constantly feel like I need to watch your words and actions because I cannot trust that you know how to respect our relationship. I have witnessed this dynamic throughout my parents’ 50+ years of marriage, and I was so much like my mother in my first marriage (sorry Edson). I do not regret it, and I am genuinely sorry for being so controlling.

Anyway, I still see the emotional manipulation from both parents today as I write this. A father who acts like a child because he has not healed those parental wounds and doesn’t know how to be a father to his children. How could he? He still doesn’t even know how to be a son therefore then attracts my mom who in turn continues to treat her husband as a child because she can’t trust my father to be emotionally mature and respect the relationship dynamics required with each title because they haven’t done the healing work to heal those aspects either. And now you know where uncousiously I also adopted needing to be a mother /contorlling in my previous relationships too.  Have you done the same?

As I scrolled through old journals, I encountered very specific topics in my relationship dynamics. How over the years I created this need for men to depend on me emotionally until the deep feminine urge and cry “be a fucking man about it!”  (interpreted now as “Ewww you’re so emotional, stop being a little bitch!”) finally broke through and caused the break in 💔 these relationships.  How the 🔥 fire-ass redhead came to life. How my hair represented a need to attract men who came to me for the possibility of sex and intimacy but only to soon find out how deep these waters run and could soon drown in their unwillingness to truly step into that masculine I needed. How my hair was a representation of the fires I was metaphorically dealing with within myself. How my hair was “a front” to someone I thought I had become.  As I scrolled through my journals the hurt, the angst,  and the deep desires to be seen rose up, and since I hadn’t seen my patterns at the time and the need to put my guard down I made my hair a part of this new person and clung to the idea that my hair was a shield, a protective barrier to the little girl wanting to be protected by her Father and brothers.

As I went through my old journals, cleared out old pictures, and reflected on my relationship patterns, I noticed specific build and facial features to which I am attracted. I realized that if a man did not fit that build (physically, mentally, and spiritually), I would slowly start to protect myself by gaining extra weight. That is usually when I create distance and decide to end the getting-to-know-you phase (Don’t worry, I always communicate my intentions, and the friend zone is made clear, or at least I like to believe so).

To make a long story longer… LOL and without going into feminine / masculine endless ish…

I came across confirmation that it was time to let go of that redheaded version of myself (she’s been learning to be more feminine). The hurts and experiences I have gone through no longer define who I am today. The brown-haired girl at my core is much softer, and since I am genuinely opening myself up and keeping my heart open even after feeling mistreated, I had to remove the unconscious shield I had placed on myself over the years of healing and doing the work.

You will never hear me claim, I am healed but will always hear me say “Healing comes in layers and in this lifetime until I die, I haven’t finished all aspects of it.”

I could continue, but this is more than enough to say that I am ready for what comes next. I am ready to keep finding happiness in the relationship with myself and accept the choices I made without realizing that my hair was repellent to the discomfort I disliked feeling in my partnerships.

This is not just a story to share why I changed my hair, it’s also an invitation for you to take a deep look at your relationship patterns. If you cannot seem to catch them, or don’t know where to start book a therapy session with me. Because I’ve worked both my before and continue to work on my “after” and/or “currents” I can help you discover your unconscious shields so that you can bring conscious awareness to the healing that needs to happen if you so desire it. 

And for EVERYONE Men and WOMEN reading this:

I can be your guide, but please understand that I am NOT your healer.

With love ❤️ the “girl with the brown hair”

Aryana