Recently I saw an opportunity to participate in something I knew very little about and reached out only to be accepted, given ideas on how to execute what I had offered and then denied.
I have edited out names for the sake of keeping this semi anonymous. The person involved I’m sure will see my post and maybe even read it.

The message read:
‘Ok so here’s the thing…. the creator of “XYZ” has trusted me to find businesses for the program that are dedicated to integrity & empowering people by standing only in the light & raising vibrations for the highest good. Your post last night about taking souls coupled with my feeling that I addressed with you months ago shows me you’re not a good fit for this. I understand humor but that post lacks integrity and the group is counting on my discernment. I realize you are not Amy anymore but I was holding hope that you are still of highest Divine light. If you are inclined to discuss further I will. Always sending you love & Reiki’

I responded with a “No biggie.” And moved on.

Here is the post she is referring to about taking souls:
Please note I am in costume on HALLOWEEN NIGHT

I wasn’t bothered by it in that moment and chose to take my dogs to a dog park when some dude decided to pull a knife out on my dog and threatened to pepper spray my roommate while she held my other dog.  (Another story, for another day)
Anyway my roommate got really upset, I on the other hand tend to choose my battles and just wanted to remove my dogs and us from harm’s way. (Discernment at work here.)
As we sat there waiting for the cops to arrive, I went back and read the email and it stirred up feelings. I felt misunderstood and rejected by one of my own “spiritually enlighten” people.
Then I asked myself what is it about this message that’s stirring up these feelings in me to give it the time of day?
When the cops got there, all of a sudden, I realized I was more upset about the message then I was about some dummy pulling a knife out on a member of my family.  WTF! Apparently my roommate had to be upset in order for me to realize I was about to rob myself from an opportunity to grow.

I couldn’t believe I was more upset at some rejection message then I was for the current situation at hand. As I thought about it, I was realizing this person who had been a mentor of mine for so many years was using a fancy word like discernment to place judgment on how I choose to live my life.
Here is googles definition of discernment:

Here is an example of discernment (also found on google):

The massive transformation I’ve gone through this past year means I evolved in such a way that how and who I am will not resonate with everyone.  I will blow people, places and things out of my energy on a consistent basis.
I felt judged and where most of the time I would just call it a shit moment and move on I went home and got mad as I know I was feeling not only my feelings but some collective shit brewing inside of me that I guess I hadn’t fully cleared out.

I started thinking about all the times I’ve just allowed things that really bother me be suppressed and not addressed. I thought about how many times I hear or have even said “fake it till you make it” and how this is or probably should be the slogan for anyone who practices spiritual bypassing on a regular.

When I’m in a bad mood I’m choosing to be in a bad mood and you can tell. Many who know me know I am IN whatever feeling I am feeling. It isn’t often I’m not wearing my feelings on my face so this spiritual bypassing practice isn’t one I’m used to or so I thought. When I’m in a good mood my smile says it all.

I realized that I didn’t want to explain myself to this person because they have no idea who I am anymore by implying I am not “dedicated to integrity & empowering people by standing only in the light & raising vibrations for the highest good.”

I also realized I almost bypassed a moment of growth for myself and others if I didn’t make light on these subjects.  I realized my response may have been received as being passive but it didn’t really give a fuck since I’m constantly empowering people to not explain themselves.  No one wants to hear why you can’t come to a party, we only want to know who can for food and drinks. Seriously think about how many times you’ve given an excuse for not choosing to attend an event? Think about how man times you’ve had a party and actually truly cared why someone can’t show up? – Exactly my point… STOP EXPLAINING YOURSELF!

When I first started on this journey it was through tragedy. I remember being taught love and light, love and light just send everyone who’s hurt you love and light.

This is absolute fucking bullshit!

You can’t heal it if you don’t feel it. You can’t find that balance you’re looking for if you choose to negate the unbalanced or negative emotions. Many also don’t teach you practical methods on what it looks like to forgive someone. If it looks like burning a candle, writing a letter or writing sentences anyone who is giving you a only “send them love and light” might be a pro at spiritual bypass.

Don’t give into the hype that spiritual enlightenment means you are constantly slapping a magic feel good band aid sending love and light and or calling it projection on that persons end who has reflected something you still need to work on. This journey isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. It’s doing some deep fucking digging and realizing EVERYTHING around you you’ve created and have to take full 100% responsibility for.

Own your shit! Be in your shit! Feel your shit!

I’ve adopted a “I don’t give a fuck mood” about the way anyone feels about how I live my life and or do my work because they don’t pay my way on a day to day basis.

This particular message made me give a fuck. It brought up the fact that I still have issues with not being “good enough” even after massive and major shifts. It made me feel as if making jokes is unacceptable in the spiritual community and that I should be a certain way to appease the masses. Well let me just say that if I do that then I am most definitely am out of alignment with who I am and am most definitely not acting with integrity if I need to separate who I am outside my working hours.  Sounds like a battle with duality and I constantly integrate those parts of me.

People love me for who I am at ALL TIMES. You don’t get different versions of me. You may get different levels of me but not a different version. It’s like a volume dial on the radio turn me up or turn me down but the shit coming out of my mouth and the way I’m acting is the same just at a different intensity.
I can say Fuck you! in a whisper and FUCK YOU! shouting but I still mean both fuck yous at whatever volume I’m at that night.
 
Here is a recent post of me being me that same night I made a joke about “taking souls” by someone who I recently met not even 3 months ago. They can clearly feel my authenticity and even commented on it.

So here I am writing about almost choosing to spirituality bypass a moment of growth because I didn’t want to “deal with” how I had felt. I didn’t want to address let alone publicly air out that I still have issues with being good enough or the need to explain myself.

I’m also here writing about how I refuse to fit anyone’s definition of “integrity” and urge you to continue to be your authentic self regardless of what anyone believes that should look like. People who are in alignment with who you are will vibe with you including the shadows and darkness. Others will use a word like discernment and call it being spiritual and thinking they aren’t judging you when the definition of the word actually says it’s judgment.

So at the end of the day I’ve chosen to kind of explain but not really explain who you think I am.

I also didn’t go into detail as to how I processed my emotions but if you are a client of mine let’s just say a red ink pen was involved. I was also working on the 1st day – Base/Root Chakra of Completely forgiving being molested when all this shit came up. Sooo does the work I do, assign and follow when given by my current mentor work? YEP!

As for the feelings she had addressed “months ago” here is that conversation and I’ll let you come to your own conclusions.

Happy confronting your shadowy parts and feeling your shit so you aren’t just slapping a feel-good sticker and walking around saying love and light to all.

And as I say and live my life. Embrace the fucking darkness and make it your bitch!

With love and light and an energetic fuck you to all who have ever attempted to dim YOU and me down.

Aryana