The amount of detaching I’ve had to do last month in December has been massive. I’m not sharing for pitty or worry. I’m sharing so that this may allow those of you who have been feeling like a puddle in the past few months know its required in order to flush out the rest of the crap we had yet to deal with in 2020. This will be long but there maybe something that you learn from my process and I haven’t written in quite some time.

I was taught about non negotiables about 5 years ago. These are those things you aren’t willing to negotiate in a relationship. I’ve held quite steadfast with them thus why I’ve chosen to stay single for quite some time. I thought it was time to give the relationship thing a try. Lets just say when you go against your own non negotiables and compromise you’ll end up mad at yourself.

You can’t blame the other person for how you end up feeling if they came clean and you ignored what they told you. I did that and well here I am sharing this lesson. Stop settling for relationships that won’t work just because you want affection. Luckily I got myself out of that in about one months time vs years and years. He isn’t a bad guy but as time passed I kept seeing things that were part of my non negotiables. I vowed to myself not to fix men anymore and this guy wasn’t even past his current wife. Anyway, SINGLE is at the top of my non negotiables but bc he was local (I tend to attract a lot of men from out of town) I ignored that and believed him when he said he was in process of getting that divorce. Let’s just say that wasn’t the case and I was upset and hurt. Not at him but at myself because I chose to ignore and not ask more questions when he told me he was still married. Now, what a still married man was doing at a speed dating event is another story but the good part of this story isn’t that I ignored my own non-negotiables or realized quickly what I had ignored just because it felt nice to get desired attention. It’s that I realized for once I didn’t attract him for things I hadn’t yet learned but that he attracted me. For the longest time I’ve believed that we (creators) are the ones who attract but negated or more so didn’t even realize there are people out there praying for someone like me to help them move energy for them. I mean look at what I do for a living lol

How do I know this is what was happening? Because even after I told him we were done, he pursued to keep me as a friend. Annoyed as fuck I told myself well I better get something out of this. I know how that might sound but . My friendship with him has opened my eyes to how far I’ve come in forgiveness. How rapidly I release grudges and how truly knowledgeable I am. He teaches me on almost a daily how I’ve needed to set my boundaries. He’s reflecting back how far I’ve come along and how quickly I can now detach once I get my emotions on check.  So kudos to you Mr. Rich for teaching me how to set my boundaries, reel in my feelings and remind me to take my time with things and ask more questions. He attracted me into his life to also make me realize there’s still a lot of healing I need to do with being so independent I think I need of no one. I’ve learned I need of many but I get to choose who those many are. This experience although not over has taught me many things and at the top of this particular experience is knowing I’ve got to stay committed to myself where I will stop negotiating on things I know won’t work because in the end the only person I end up hurting and playing is, myself.

So that’s was just 1 of many lessons December brought me.

Being a counselor I walk people off the ledge for a living, I know what it’s like to be so depressed your will to live has gone. I also know that we are in an energetic transition that now more than ever those who choose to exit will do so no matter how ready or unready they are. They will also leave no matter how ready or unready you think you are to accept their transition. When you are forced to accepted certain things, many other things just gets easier to flow through. Allowing has been another lesson besides the detatchment. I know now that a lot happens due to the massive energy shifts we are going through, not because it’s personal – it’s all energetic.

Having family with the rona isolated during Christmas sucked, but we made the best of it and showed up sang Feliz Navidad and told them we loved them through the window. We didn’t get to hug or exchange presents but I am grateful they were in town. My Mom’s bday also happened while they have been isolated and to not be able to hug her on her birthday was a new kind of feeling, as she was in town where I could touch her. I cried bc I really needed those hugs and she didn’t want to get me sick. Again, making the best out of a not ideal situation we rolled up the “the rona house”, jamed out to Las Mañanitas and dropped off her flower arrangement and blew kisses through the door.

Meanwhile early December my sister went to the hospital nearly dying of pain while the same night my nephew injures his knee and ends up in the ER. Both of are in better health today and my nephew is aware of how important it is to squash/resolve things before its too late.

Right before Christmas I had to take Adonis to the vet and the person I walked off the ledge earlier was my Dad. So just imagine the emotional wreck I was thinking every scenario can lead to a loss and then thinking myself right out of that mess knowing I’m good at collapsing whats happening to what our minds give meaning to and create internally. My Dad ended in the same hospital my sister had just been released from. My Dad has survived covid and his stinking thinking as he is ready to get back to building his bikes; however, my boy Adonis would not survive his diagnosis.

After blood work, ultrasounds, x-rays, and 2 nights at the animal hospital I had to transfer him to the ER because the hospital didn’t have the appropriate tools the specialist do at the ER center. Over a thousand dollars later and they still hadn’t given me a diagnosis. (Note to self get *pet insurance) I was willing to give whatever I had to save my dog and now I understand why people do so. My dog had been sick for long time and I didn’t know it. Adonis had cancer and by the time I got him to the ER his liver was already failing. Whatever they were to do at the ER was only to keep him comfortable. I learned the vet couldn’t and didn’t want to unless he absolutely had to spell it out for me that his quality of life would decrease rapidly due to the liver failure. So instead of investing another $3300 to keep him comfortable with no guarantee of survival. I had to come to terms that I would rather love him to pieces at home for a few more days and make the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make.

Now from dogs who energetically showed up on my stairs and in my hallway an entire month before their arrival (the black shadows I referred to in this blog) he had a conversation with me (being a medium has its perks) He told me he had to go because I can’t have two alphas in my life. Confused for a moment, mostly devastated and in the same breath grateful as he’s letting me know someone or something new is about to enter my life. I don’t know time frames but I know there’s a lot more good that comes with what many can perceive as bad or sad.

So many things came to my mind when making as of now the hardest decision of my life. What I constantly had to do to stay present is collapse what I’m creating to what is happening or facts. Here is what that sounded like in my head and sometimes out loud. Whats happening: Adonis has cancer and his health is rapidly declining.

What was being created in my head: ‘Omg I have to kill him. Who am I to make that choice? What gives me that power? Why can’t he just do it like Pacha did? (*Pacha was my toy poodle who waited for me to come say my goodbye and then died in her sleep that same night.) Omg no, he’s a heavy ass dog I think that will be more traumatic. The Dr. said the fluid could drown him if I keep him alive much longer. OMG I can’t do this, OMG I have no choice. I feel so guilty from not noticing it earlier

Eventually I got to – OMG STOP! YOU’RE CREATING THINGS AND ADDING MEANING TO THINGS THAT HAVEN’T HAPPENED!

Fact the vet said he has had cancer a long time but nothing had obstructed his organs or caused issues but now it is and nothing we do will save him.

Fact his liver is failing.

Fact he has fluid that is accumulating in his abdomen and will soon move to his extremities.

Fact the vet said he isn’t in pain but is uncomfortable and I can keep him for the max 3 more days.

Fact I didn’t know he was sick for as long as he was.

Fact as humans we get to make a choice for them when we have experts telling us its the right thing and time.

Fact I don’t want him to be uncomfortable anymore.

I could go on but all collapsing is, is keeping your facts straight. This type of reframing can assist with releasing guilt, anger and everything else that comes up with making hard choices. I had to constantly remind myself that the experts know what they know and I don’t know what I don’t know.

I didn’t know he had been sick since long ago. I kept him and decided December 31st would be perfect to release him. As 3 years ago on a NYE I met a person who would be my catalyst in the most intense spiritual growth ever. Adonis reminded me I was doing the right thing and with his departure he was also taking all the pain, suffering and agony I had felt up until that moment.

For some it was a good year, a great year and for others it was a year of growth and learning to detach from their normal and the reality they had been so fond of. I can’t say this year was hard for me, I’d say the proper word I would use is challenge. I can also say it has been very healing. Interesting enough I posted or possibly even predicted or declared my own future in a post exactly a year ago. Making the God within Rise at home was I say most definitely accomplished.

I appreciate everyone who respected my space. Everyone who allowed me to set boundaries and those of you who showed up when I allowed you in.

Hope this helps someone. I know it helped me to release it.

This year will bring many changes and I know things will only get better.

Happy 2021!